


The Thought That Counts

by tapiyoka



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Crack-ish, Drabble, Gentle Snark, M/M, roomba-shaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 08:53:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15793194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tapiyoka/pseuds/tapiyoka
Summary: In which Shizuo attempts and fails(?) to buy Izaya a delightful birthday present.





	The Thought That Counts

**Author's Note:**

> This was a birthday gift to my boyfriend that I started early last spring and rushed out only last night because I forgot about it completely.  
> (End notes tba later)

“Shizuo…?”  
“...”  
“What’s this?”  
“......”  
“...”  
“.........”  
“What _is_ this…?”  
“............”  
“...Please answer me.”

Izaya held out the thick plastic disk across from Shizuo with unwavering sternness. There wasn’t an emotion of either kind Shizuo could glean from him, his lips didn’t curl and twitch in suppressed hilarity and his eyes didn’t glimmer with zeal and gratitude, but neither did his tone blare through an unfathomable offense in his birthday gift.  
The plastic bristles on the tiny robot vacuum looked uneasy with being put on the spot like this, like a gradeschooler met with the disapproving gaze of their mother on a Tuesday in autumn, shortly after their hesitant father was tasked with independently picking out the appropriate outfit for tonight’s piano recital.  
It’s not that Shizuo didn’t think he couldn’t keep his apartment in order without an automated dust sweeping frisbee, but it’d add a bit of personality into the place, surely.

“Shi~zu~o~...?”  
“...That’s a Roomba.”  
“A Roomba, huh.”  
“I figured you didn’t have one already.”  
“Well, yes. Since I have a housekeeper.” Izaya set the already ashamed cleaner robot gently on his lap. “She already does the pointless wandering and constant beeping for me. And I don’t have to pull paper wads and loose hair out of her mouth after she went at them a little too excitedly.”  
“.........”  
“Whose idea was this anyway?” Izaya said, nonchalantly flipping the poor thing around and examining the manufacturer label. “Can’t imagine you got this idea all on your own.”  
“...”  
“I find it hard to believe it was any of our mutual friends. I’m guessing it was either your brother or that boss of yours. He’s pretty crazy about gadgets, isn’t he?”  
“...”  
Izaya set the thoroughly humiliated robot back onto his lap.

“...What is it?”  
“...Tom-san mostly cares about coffee makers.”  
“Right.”  
“......”

“Whatever do I need a Roomba for? I already have my secretary.”  
“It keeps the place clean.”  
“...Unlike my secretary.”  
“...It’ll keep you company.”  
“Unlike my secretary.”  
“...”  
“I mean it’s a fair point, that last one.”

”It’ll fill the silence. With the booping and all. And you can connect it to your phone so it’ll be kinda like a friend is messaging you.”  
”Oh wow. Low blow, honey.”  
”...You can’t say it ain’t true.”  
”Yeah, but you shouldn’t say that, you neanderthal.” 

Shizuo sighed: ”Goddamn, I don’t know. I’ll take it back if you don’t want it.” Izaya gripped the Roomba in his lap a little tighter.  
”Oh, no. He’s mine now. But I’ll have the warranty receipt, if you don’t mind.”

————

The distant whirring was starting to make its presence a given in Izaya’s apartment. Like a white noise machine with the added bonus of housekeeping, the birthday gift he’d received from his stoic secret lover was proving not only useful, but a welcome change into the deafening silence of the squares upon squares of metres the Shinjuku penthouse er, housed.

A sharp buzz pulled Izaya away from his snooping, his phone violently clinking against his coffee mug, blaring a piercingly loud, bubbly ringtone. Izaya leaned to his left to glance over the text on the lit screen.

_Your Roomba®, voremaster fuckthousand, is stuck near a cliff._

He sighed, theatrically prying himself out of his chair and sauntering to the rescue of his distressedly beeping friend. Maybe another one of these for the second floor was in order. And a paycut for Namie.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, thanks for reading! Not one of my best works (or favorite ships), but writing this was fun nonetheless. And I like making people happy with the stuff I churn out, so hope you enjoyed that? The giftee did, so that’s good.  
> Since I’ve never really written/published fics like, ever, I’d love to hear some comments, good or bad! DMs or messages on curiouscat are appreciated, too!  
> I’m more of a visual artist, so if you wanna see some shit doodles, check out tomsan on tumblr or ahokassan on twitter & curiouscat.  
> Thanks again!


End file.
